our search is over
Okay, far from it. But as we walked the beach last night in awe of what we guessed had to be one of the best sunsets we’ve ever seen (we seem to have a lot of those lately), and then later at camp under a blanket of stars we found ourselves in deep conversation. We seem to have a lot of those lately too. I was trying to describe to Jen that Ive been slowly realizing that the thing i think i was searching for when this all began; i may have already found. In fact, i think i found it the very day we drove away. The years leading up to our journey were strenuous. Until preparing for the transition, we hadn’t really had a stagnant period in our lives. We were driven hard. To work harder and make more, to create a foundation for our future and a safety net for retirement. We always had a project to work on in addition to work. Instead of simply relaxing from our hard day we often had to collect the inner drive to work on the remodel or repair or restoration that we currently had on the side. We hardly ever rested and felt like we were racing for something. It was only when we started the process of stepping back, of saving money rather than investing it, of slowing down rather than speeding up that we began to find ourselves with time. Time to breathe, and to think, and talk and plan. Time to collect ourselves for the journey ahead and the transition that we needed.
Then, once we made the decision to transform our lives, we worked on other things. A collective focus and mission to downsize and payoff debt. To save and hoard every dime, to purge unnecessary clutter from our lives. A constant process of goal setting and being engaged in deep conversations about what we truly wanted from life and what was missing. All of these things may have actually done the job they were intended to do. The culmination of years of working and seeking may have actually provided an answer.
We still have so much to figure out. About this journey, about who we are, about where we will live or what we will do. About what’s most important to us, if we will have children, how we can make the biggest difference to the world around us and how to best give back in some way. But that one thing that i was searching for in vain for so many years leading up to our current removal from society; that thing seems to have already been answered. That all important nagging that drove us crazy in our former lives and kept something deep inside us unsettled seems to now be at peace. It was like an itch that couldn’t be scratched and an urge that couldn’t be satisfied. It seems so clear to me now, but then it was so foggy.
We were stuck...
At least, thats how we felt. And (at least according to jen) how one feels is their reality. We felt as though we had no control, no choices, no options but to keep at it. To keep working harder for some eventual goal of freedom or some distant light at the end of the tunnel we had never seen. We actually weren’t at all, but in our minds then, we were stuck. And now - we are unstuck.
While theres so much we haven’t yet found, the thing we discovered on that day, as we drove away to begin our new lives was simply freedom. The freedom of choice. The belief that we could do whatever we wanted and be okay. That things would inherently go wrong, but that together we would solve them and carry on. The simple fact that we owned our destinies rather than someone else. Having proved to ourselves that we were strong enough to change the course of our lives if we wanted to- i think thats what we were really seeking and yearning for over those years.
And now we are seeking something else. But it’s not nagging or itching it’s simply exciting. Not something wrong that needs to be fixed or something missing to be found- but something beautiful thats still being polished. It’s simply a matter of what path we take now, and what next path that will lead us to next.
Things used to seem so black and white to me, each project had a completion and an end date and each decision seemed so final. So permanent. But this current journey doesn’t have an end for us as its simply our life. Im realizing that the trip was just an icon for the transition, but the travel itself could end at any time and our personal journey will continue. The choice of paths no longer seems like a lifelong commitment, but simply what we will do next.
I don’t know what were doing tomorrow, in fact it sounds like our well laid “plans” for today just changed- but i certainly looking forward to finding out!